Today is my birthday. I’m excited. Really. lol.
My birthday is part of the reason I am relaxing more about goals and perfectionism. It’s also why I need to relax more.
When I turned 29, I literally freaked out. I had (have) no real retirement, nothing to my name and no plan for making sure that I had something to retire for and that my child had something when I died.
Morbid, I know, but I’m not here to sugar coat it. I was freaking out.
So now I have a 401k and a number of different plans to add revenue streams to my income.
Good start, but nope.
As I continue to panic and act like I’m going to die young, I start to kill myself, literally, with stress and anxiety.
I already had anxiety but now, I have full time, constant anxiety and around 31, I developed panic attacks. Completely unprovoked, I was at my gyno’s office and they had to bring me in early and do first aid on me. I thought I was having a heart attack but my doctor set me straight. Glad it wasn’t a heart attack, but damn…
Either way, I’m a strong lady so I was like, fuck that. Anxiety does not run in my family, my family doesn’t even understand what I mean when I say panic attack, but they love and understand me. I owe it to them not to freak out.
So as I turn 34 today, I reflect on the year I had.
I basically spent the whole year learning to NOT worry about what had been worrying me for four years. lol. That sucks but everything I’ve gone through is important. Everything is a lesson.
What I learned this year, more specifically:
- Writing is aggressively important to me. After not writing for almost 4 years, I wrote 3 novels since October of last year and now.
- I would rather die poor than die working for someone else. I am an entrepreneur to my CORE and I can’t deny that. I will never be most happy working for someone else.
- Money is very important to me. There! I said it. I want to live a better life and I want to give my children everything they need without the worry of how. Now that I know and understand this, I can move on.
- I am an anxious wreck. My loved ones know this and they are doing what they can to help me. Accepting that I am nervous is the first step to helping me over come my issues.
- I am not perfect and I never will be. I can always strive to be my best but perfection is an aggressively tough goal that very few attain. I’m glad to be me at my best whenever I can.
- I need support. Sometimes I feel like I can handle it myself or that I shouldn’t burden other people, but everyone needs help sometimes. I understand that now.
I continue to live and learn and, fingers crossed, I can retire one day! lol. Or not because when you work for yourself and you love what you do, you never have to retire ; )
I’m very happy with my life today and as I continue to understand myself and know what I really need and want, I can achieve the things I need in order to remain happy.
Thank you for reading.
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